I’ve been gone awhile. To be quite honest a lot was going on and I let many things fall by the way side. Truth be told, I just didn’t have energy for much. I had just started a new job, and was dealing with some transitions.
During, my little hiatus. I realized somethings. Even though I was attempting to be as true to myself as possible. I was still trying to show a perfected version of myself. There was a lack of transparency. I pray that this time as I re-embark on this journey I’ll be able to be more fully candid.
That brings me to today. As many of you know I am single. I am (mostly) content with my singleness (or so I thought). I am learning to love myself (a topic I hope to discuss with you soon), trying to grow my passions (this being one of them), and trying to deepen my relationship with Christ (the most difficult and fulfilling of all). I know that every season has it’s purpose and I’m trying to live fully in this one, but that doesn’t always make it easy.
Yes, most days I’m fine. Truthfully, I’m better than fine. As a life long people pleaser, I am just stepping into the realm of selfishness. Allowing myself to be a priority. Putting me first. It is an absolutely exhilarating experience, if you haven’t tried it, I recommend it. Anyway, most days, I absolutely enjoy not having to consider anyone else’s needs (within reason). But there are some days were I wonder what it would be like to have someone else consider me. As previously mentioned, I struggle with people pleasing. Not for the praise (because truthfully there rarely is any), but because I really care about the happiness of the people I love. As I began to make decisions to make myself happy; I wondered what it would be like for someone to care deeply about my happiness.
As a Christian, the answer seems obvious. God. Jesus. He cares unconditionally about me, about what’s best for me. Even so, I’m ashamed to admit there were times when that didn’t feel like enough. I’ve had moments were I straight up told God “look I know you love me, but is anyone in love with me?”
The gall. The gumption. It seems brazen, but I was was in pain. Loneliness is painful. It feels like you are screaming into a void and no one hears you. My question although not tactful, was honest. God honors our sincere conversations. That question for me opened up deeper questions.
Are you really as happy as you keep proclaiming?
Are you even ready for this relationship you keep begging for?
Are you in love with yourself?
Do you really love God they way you say you do?
Will you still love him, even if you never get what you want?
I mean wow. I had opened up a can of worms. But it was necessary. Now let me clarify, I am not speaking for all single people. Every person must walk their own path in their own time. Many single people are genuinely happy and content. I just wasn’t one of them. But I wanted to be.
You see as I pondered these questions I came to some hard conclusions. No, I am not happy. I am not prepared to be in a relationship. I am not in love with myself (I barely like myself). No, I don’t love God the way I thought I did. Lastly, but most truthfully, I would be down right defeated if God didn’t give me what I wanted.
Y’all….here I was worried about if someone else was in love with me, but I was a mess. Disclaimer: I am not an advocate of the must be perfect for someone to love you advice, because that’s non-sense. People with all kinds of baggage find “love” or at least “like” everyday. I just personally, didn’t see how I could find room for anyone else’s baggage when I had so much unopened baggage of my own. There was a fatal flaw in my world view. I was so focused outward, I missed my own inward turmoil. I didn’t want to keep repeating the same cycles.
That brings me to today. I want to be truly happy. So, I am going to revisit these questions. If you’re going through something similar, or just curious about how this turns out stay tuned. Over the next few blog posts I’ll be walking myself through each question. Feel free to share feedback and open up discussions in the comments. I would love to hear from you.
Have any of these questions ever crossed your mind?
It’s been a minute. Let’s talk. This quarantine is no joke (*screams internally*).
Anyway, today I want to talk about my frustrations with online dating. Briefly, I mentioned before that dating apps are a nightmare. And I specified that being a black plus sized woman, makes this situation even worse. Well, honestly at this point calling it a nightmare is a gross under estimation. Sis. These men are boring. Look, I am no comedian, but I can hold a conversation. I’m not sure if it’s lack of interest, or genuine lack of personality, but I do not understand.
Disclaimer, I love myself and I know I am beautiful…BUT I am not what would be considered conventionally attractive. That being said, these apps already have a limited sample size. Especially, if you are looking to date a non-white person. It actually might be easier to peel a grape than to find a person you are: attracted to, match with, and are able to have a conversation with. I mean the number of men on the app whose first message is a sexual innuendo is ridiculous. Then you have the Kings of Konversation (lol get it 😊), who only give one-word responses and never ask any questions.
Look sir, if you weren’t interested, why did you swipe right? Furthermore, if you have nothing to say it is okay not to respond. At this point, that is preferred over struggling through a conversation. I have a friend or two that has successful navigated one of these apps to find a decent human being, but even they often comment on the rarity of their situation.
Honestly, at this point I may have to just disappoint my grandma and call it quits. Okay, so maybe I’m being a little dramatic, but dang. A sister is tired. I just want to meet a regular person and have a good conversation (aiming too high? Maybe).
Some of you may be wondering why I don’t just delete the apps all together. Well, I often do. I rarely keep the apps longer than a week at a time; because I feel the life draining from me, each time I open one, and end up deleting them. But this time, at the urging of some friends (IYKYK) and my grandma, I decided to try and stick it out a full month. This has truly been a long and tedious process. Even with a budding entanglement I still find myself utterly bored. I mentioned to a close friend that I understand relationships take work. But if you’re gonna stress me out at least be entertaining. Thankfully, I have not lost complete hope for romantic love. Love that is meant for you will find; what’s yours will always be yours. However, I have lost hope for these apps. Counting down the days until I can delete them.
Update: I deleted the apps after writing this. Lol I did not even make the month.
I can’t be the only one struggling like this…right? Comment down below.
How do you feel about dating apps?
Stay tuned for my post about my worst date ever…You guessed it courtesy of a dating app.
I thought I’d talk today about something that is a reality for many people, Depression. I have struggled with Depression since I was in Middle School. A series of bullies, sad events, and low self-esteem, left me the perfect candidate for this mental illness. Now, as many of you know I am a woman of faith….which always left me especially conflicted. The christian community often looks down on those who battle with mental illness. I want to take this time to send love to my people struggling with mental illnesses, especially the less socially acceptable illnesses. I want you to know that you are loved, you are valuable, and you are not less saved, because of your illness. Jesus loves you, just as you are.
Truthfully, I’m also talking to myself right now. You see, a few weeks ago, a wave of depression hit me like a ton of bricks. This time around I’m not exactly sure what triggered me. By all accounts things are going well in my life right now. I’m thinking maybe its all the changes, good changes, but changes nonetheless. No matter the cause, I found myself feeling the familiar weight of a depressive state at a time when everyone expected me to be over the moon. Now look, since we telling the truth-truth…we all know that many people who suffer from depression are excellent actors. Why you ask? Well, hiding the crippling weight and lack of motivation we feel is often a common symptom of a depressive state.
For me, I don’t want to be a burden. I also, don’t really want to let people into that side of me. Trust issues are a thing people, but that’s not what we’re talking about. Anyway, even after all these years I still found myself bullying myself for the symptoms of my depression.
Well, I’m writing this to remind myself that I need to be kind to myself. When you are fighting to get out of bed, struggling to stay engaged with things you love, and losing all motivation every day is a battle. Baby girl, you are still here. And, that is enough. Just keep going. Keep swimming. Keep trying. Things will balance out. You just have to wade through.
Look y’all truthfully, I know this is all hard to hear when you’re going through. Harder, to believe. And harder than I can explain to write in this state, but I find it necessary. This is one of my outlets. This is how I free myself from the inner confines of my mind. What do you do? Therapy? Painting? Talking to friends? Cooking? Maybe, even writing like myself….whatever you do, do something. Find someway to relieve the weight. And above all my friends…speak to yourselves kindly.
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Compliment yourself in the comments below!
I’ll start–You are valuable and have excellent taste in blogs.
How’re you feeling today? Let me know below. Me? I’m sleepy.
Today friends, we gonna talk about haters. Now, I know, people have worn this word out. Every other post on Twitter or Instagram is “my haters this..” or the memes about “being talked about behind their back”. Most of the time I read those things and roll my eyes. Like are there really that many people plotting against. And if there are that many, are you without any responsibility?
Anyway, I’m not here to discuss people’s delusions of fame. I am hear to confess my truth. There was a time in my life when I was hater. Now, I would only jokingly admit my title at the time. But as I look back on how I thought about and perceived other people it was all very negative. Hating is almost always rooted in self insecurity. I was full of self doubt and it was evident in the way I perceived life. I may not have been saying negative things directly to people, but my inward reflections would always be some kind of self deprecation.
So a few years back, a close friend of mine moved out of her parents home. I was happy for her. I, like good friend, congratulated her. However, when I went home I would beat myself up and even sometimes downplay the accomplishments of someone I claimed to care about. After some serious self-reflection, and therapy, I was able to be honest with the root of all my hater tendencies.
I can honestly say today I very rarely fall victim to hating. The biggest reason for this shift is perfecting the art of minding my business. I have no idea what a person had to go through to accomplish something. The simple truth is that comparison is truly the thief of joy. You so busy watching what other people are or are not doing, you’re missing your own goals.
I know it can be easier to focus on others, especially to hate on others, but I’m encouraging you today– don’t. Leave the haterade in the past. Let go of other people’s business. Focus on yourself, improving yourself, loving yourself, and growing yourself.
So friends, it’s time to ask yourself…are you a hater? If yes, do you want to keep being one?
How do you keep yourself in check, especially when it comes to hating? Comment down below.
To begin, this topic I had to acknowledge a simple truth:
Healing isn’t linear.
In this time of quarantine, many of us have had extra time to reflect and be introspective. For the most part, I can say that I have tried to be aware of my shortcomings, but also commend myself for how I am growing. This past weekend, I visited a place that was full of triggers of a past relationship. Although, I remained busy, and tried to focus on the people I was with, I couldn’t help but reminisce. For a little background, this relationship has been over for about three years. This is something that I have written about, cried over, talked to a therapist about…like I should be completely over it. Right? Well, the reality is that our emotions do not adhere to our timeline. Yes, for the most part I am over it. I don’t feel the same intensity of pain, but from time to time I am reminded of the loss.
Usually, when this loss crosses my mind it is unconsciously. Y’all know what I mean. You be sleeping, minding your business, then boom. People that no longer belong in you mental space creep their way into you dream. Often, for me at least, the dream then leads to waking thoughts of the person. Truthfully, a year or so into this loss I would really beat myself up whenever something like this happened. But, this time, I am granting myself grace. It is okay for me to feel the loss of the relationship. It is okay to acknowledge the pain, but also admit there were positive moments. It is okay for me to acknowledge that losing the relationship left a space in my social circle. A space that has yet to be filled. It’s okay to acknowledge that there are aspects of my life I can’t recall without associating the relationship. It is okay.
It is normal. Human beings are complex. So, it would stand to reason that our relationships would also be complex. Often, in the midst of some of my most painful memories I easily recall pockets of laughter. Maybe, it’s a defense mechanism, I don’t know. But whatever the cause, it is okay to feel those things.
People often paint forgiveness, healing, and growth as linear journeys. The truth is that they’re winding roads. Often, it can feel like we haven’t moved at all. You may feel like you should be past something, but grant yourself grace. As long as you keep going, that is all that matters. Just keeping going. Your journey doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s.
If you are having trouble navigating these complex feelings, I have a few suggestions
Pray about it. Turn it over to God. This is not a one time action. Do this as many times as necessary.
Express yourself. Journal, make music, paint, do whatever you do to release your emotions.
Seek help. Go to therapy if possible. Talk with trusted friends. Find a person you can be honest, and transparent with. A safe, non-judgmental, and attentive person. If a person like this isn’t available to you consider using some of the resources below.
Be kind to yourself. You are valuable. You are worth however much time it takes to heal. You deserve to heal. You deserve love. Especially, self-love. Don’t withhold good things from yourself, that includes kindness, compassion, and grace.
Much love friends!
What are some quotes or resources you use to encourage yourself?
Comment Below!
I pray this song over everyone that reads this blog. Much love.
Hey y’all! Continue reading if you’re interested in finding a friend.
Unless you have been under a rock this week, you’re aware of the protests happening around the country. The protests are in response to the continued loss of Black lives to an oppressive system that doesn’t see our value. Black people have tried to hope in the system, but it continues to fail us. The recent deaths of Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, and George Floyd, have sparked full scale outrage. This outrage is not only justified, but long overdue.
Black people are constantly being mistreated, abused, and killed at the hands of system that was never meant to protect us. These protests, sometimes escalating to riots, are the direct result of years of Black death. We want change and we demand it now.
All that being said, as a Black woman, the constant flow of news can be exhausting. I also recognize how difficult it must be right now to find a listening ear. I recognize not everyone has an understanding network to turn to. So in order to do my part to care for my brothers and sisters, especially those on the front line. I am offering my ear.
I am telling you now. I am not a licensed professional. But I am someone who cares. I willing and available to listen. I am an especially useful resource to my people who don’t have the funds to seek professional care.
A few rules:
I am not a licensed counselor. I am simply hear to listen and offer you support. Including providing you with resources of more appropriate care, depending on your circumstances.
I am prioritizing Black lives. All Black lives welcome.
Unless you are a danger to yourself and/or others, this is a safe space for whatever you need to be heard.
You may be wondering why? Why would she want to do this? Well, I’ve always been someone people feel safe talking to and for that I am extremely grateful. I truly enjoy listening to others. But this time, it’s because I want to find my way to help. I am unemployed right now, and immunocompromised. Basically, I’m unable to be on the front lines or donate the way I would like to. So I wanted to find a way to help. I can help by helping those around me. This is my small way of giving back to my community.
Interested. Great! You can contact me using the methods below.
Send me an email at lovelyantoni@gmail.com
Please write “Venting” or “Need to Talk” in the subject line.
Send me a DM on my Instagram @lovelyintellect
Message me using the contact page on my website.
I will be checking these twice a day. So you should receive a response within 24 hours.
I love you all please take care of yourselves. I will begin posting links to meditations, printable color pages, and other resources shortly.
Also, if reading this has inspired you to be a listening ear to someone else please feel to email at lovelyantoni@gmail.com, subject “becoming a friend”.
First, sorry about skipping a few weeks. I started a new job, then got sick. So, I’ve had a bit of trouble writing lately. I’ve been exhausted. I’m in a confusing spot right now. I really believed that once I got a job, got out of the house, and had more social interaction I would feel better. Truthfully, I feel good about what I’m doing. But I still can’t shake the sadness and loneliness. I am doing my best to do the work and keep fighting, but some days….yikes.
Well, enough about that (for now). Today, I want to talk about my struggles with intimacy and reflect on the journey. So full disclosure, growing up I was the girl who had crushes on any guy that showed even the slightest amount of kindness (check out my post “Love: More than A Word” for more details). As I’ve discussed before it wasn’t until a situation went south in college that I realized I hadn’t really given much thought to my standards. In the midst of my heart break, I evaluated my crush criteria. Well, I’m embarrassed to say that after going through them my only criteria seemed to be: boy, and kinda nice/funny. Girl. Unacceptable. Maybe that was okay for a child (not really). But as a grown woman, a womanist, and a person of moderate intelligence, I could do better.
So I retreated. I shut down. No crushes. No dates. No flirting. Yes, I was angry (and bitter). But I also needed time. Time to know what I needed. What I wanted. What I never want. I know, I know, I was late. But it’s never too late to improve and grow.
About year into my journey, I got lonely. I decided to try out a dating app. A friend of mine recommended it as she had found her partner on there. So I started swiping. I made a few matches. There were many awkward conversations. Being a black girl on a dating app is awful. Add plus sized to that equation and it’s full on torture. Worst date of my life is a result of this app. (y’all want to hear that story? Comment below).
After, a few bad dates I deleted the app. I had been on there about a month. Although, I talked to a few people I just couldn’t develop any feelings. Crap. I felt broken. I had gone from one extreme to the next. It wasn’t just the app. When I went out, if we saw a group of guys, I didn’t get the adrenaline rush my peers got. I just felt extremely unphased. It wouldn’t have been too bad, but I was still lonely. I wanted a person. My person. But now that I knew what I wanted, I had to face my biggest hurdle: trust issues.
They weren’t a problem before because I wasn’t seriously entertaining anyone. Now, here I was trying to embark on real connections for the first time. I realized with my crushes I was always hyper focused on trying to get them to like me. I never sat and thought about what it would really mean to build a relationship. I never really thought about the fact that I would need to trust my partner.
Okay, look in theory I knew. But I didn’t know, know. Like people expect you to share with them. Be open with them. I just wasn’t prepared for that. I wanted someone so bad, but I simply wasn’t ready for it. I was not about to get into something and hurt someone (or myself).
So I was lonely, healing from past trauma, and super closed off. It was a conflicting time to say the least. But, it taught me more about myself. I’m sharing this because as I began to discuss things with my peers, I realized I wasn’t the only one. The truth is people often don’t really want to admit their imperfections. Well, I’m not one of those people. I think by sharing our flaws we can help others heal, and also aid our own healing.
It has been almost two years since my realization. I am still not where I want to be in terms of trusting others. But I have made progress. In the time since, I have also identified my issues with anger and isolation. Yes, I’m still single, but I am content. I still don’t know if I’m ready to invite another person into my life. Not because of my imperfections, but because I don’t know if I am ready to deal with another person’s baggage. It seems selfish, but better to be selfish than traumatize someone by forcing it.
Again, not a post about perfecting yourself before getting with someone else. This is another post about admiring your progress. I am admiring my own progress. Only you can know what you are prepared to deal with. Even if you don’t have it all together (no one does), if you feel you are at a place to be in a relationship, do what’s right for you. For me, I know where I stand. Even though I get lonely sometimes, I remind myself that nothing happens before it’s time. As I continue on this path of personal growth, I’m proud of where I’ve come from.
Often people forget to see the joy and growth that singleness can produce. Especially, in my community of Christian woman, we can start to feel less than if we aren’t married by a certain time. The truth is that God is intentional. Each season serves a purpose. So whether you are single by choice or chance, try to find the joy in it. Here’s one for free: no compromise. You can make decisions independently. You don’t have to consider someone else’s goals. To me that is a huge positive for the single life. Overall, the point is as always to grant yourself grace. Take a minute and see how you’ve grown. You’re doing great.
What are some other perks of singleness? Comment down below.
Valentine’s Day is over. Girl, it is time to get real. Now as y’all know I love a good love story (shameless plug, check out last week’s post). But romantic love and being in a relationship, should not cost you your self-love.
Listen, this is not one of those posts about loving yourself from a person who has never been rejected. I have been rejected more than I care to admit. I have been through heartbreak and headache for the sake of loving someone. I’m no expert, but I know how the damage holding on to someone that isn’t meant for you can cause. So let’s begin…..
Most of your conversations are one-sided. I’ll admit there are some people in this world that simply don’t talk a lot. But if you claim to be in relationship with someone, communication and comprehension are important. I’m gonna make the assumption if you’re reading this you are grown (if not, take notes for later), so you know that in order to get to know someone you need to talk to them. If you are with someone that can not express themselves that is a huge red flag. How can you be with someone you don’t know? You can’t get to know someone who doesn’t talk. Now ladies, I know this can be appealing, because sometimes a man starts talking and I immediately lose interest. But trust me on this one, you would rather he talk and tell on himself, then you put words in his mouth (and end up looking foolish). Also, maybe I’m a little paranoid, but if you aren’t talking to me (in a relationship), you are either talking to someone else (*cough cough*) or hiding something. If your partner, leaves you on read, or only sends one word responses, it is time to let that man go.
You are constantly defending your feelings. We are all human. Everyone has a right to feel what they feel (what you do with those feelings, is another issue entirely). You should not be belittled for your feelings. You should be able to express them in safe way to your partner. If someone you are with is constantly, making you feel ashamed of your feelings that is not the person for you. Now, I’m not saying to use your partner like a therapist (a relationship is not a substitute for therapy). But in a committed relationship, between consenting adults, you should be able to share your feelings (especially those pertaining to the relationship). If your partner ignores your feelings, or shames you, worse if they use them to attack you, it is time to let that man go.
You don’t feel safe with them. Now, I know this seems similar to my last point, but its a little different. I am talking about physically and emotionally safe. You deserve someone who cares for your whole being. You are valuable you should be treated as such. If your partner is constantly speaking on you insecurities, especially after you have vocalized it hurts you, let him go. If you step out of your comfort zone and they belittle you, let them go. I pray that if you’re reading this and your partner makes you feel unsafe in anyway, not only will you let that man go, but you’ll reach out for help. I have included down below information for organizations that assist people in abusive situations.
You aren’t attracted to him. Now, don’t laugh. It may seem obvious to you, but I know too many people in relationships out of boredom. It is not fair to you or the person you are with to be in a relationship with someone just because they are nice to you. My momma always said “if you roll over in the middle of the night and the person you are with scares you, they aren’t for you” Now my mom is a little dramatic, but I believe attraction is very important. The person you are with doesn’t have to be attractive to the world, but they MUST be attractive to you. Whatever that means only you know, but you do know. So stop making excuse and trying to decide, you know if you’re attracted to them. If your partner is not attractive to you, please let that man go.
The summary of this post is: if the person you are with isn’t meeting your needs, let them go.
Girl, if your man falls into any of these categories, it is probably time to let that man go. Now, I know it may seem scary, but being single isn’t the end of the world. In fact, singleness is the perfect time to be selfish. Honestly, I believe more people need to take advantage of that time. Live an uncompromising life. Love, relationships, and romance it’ll come. But until it does, don’t force it by being in a relationship that’s going to leave you with more pain than joy.
***Disclaimer: I am no relationship expert. Just an observant woman, who wants the best for all women.
Disclaimer: this is not one of those love yourself, before you love someone else posts. It is also not about me telling folks love won’t come until you fix every little flaw you see in yourself. Yeah, no. I hate posts like that. They’re super unrealistic. If everyone waited to be perfect before they got into a relationship, the world would be full of single, anxious, and lonely people. This is me sharing my journey from childish romantic to angry loner to adult romantic.
Truth. I struggled with what to post today. I wanted to be on trend with something about love, but I hadn’t been able to decide what to write about. Don’t get me wrong I’m not against love or Valentine’s Day. In fact, I think it is beautiful. But I don’t have much experience in this area. I have been intertwined in many unrequited love situations, but I have never been in a healthy, equally balanced, and supportive relationship. Honestly, that makes me sad, especially on a day like today. Love Day. The day especially designed for those in love to show each other a little extra love. With all my negative feelings I thought I would just sit this one out. But then I was reminded of something.
This week Netflix released the movie, To All the Boys: P.S. I Still Love You. This movie is a sequel to a movie released on Netflix in 2018, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before. I really love both of these movies and recommend watching them, if this genre appeals to you (it isn’t for everyone). Anyway, without giving too much of the movie away, in the sequel (P.S. I Still Love You) the main character is caught in a love triangle. Now, this is rattling for her because up until the beginning of the first movie, she had only ever been on the giving end of a crush (to her knowledge). Now, here she was having to choose between two people that were interested in her.
I really related to her character; at least in the beginning, before she found herself in the middle of two amazing choices (unrealistic, I know lol). Similar to the main character, my life has been a series of unrequited love situations. From one crush to the next I embarrassed myself (yikes). I always wanted the typical RomCom best friend love scenario. Boy meets girl. They bond over some incident. They remain close friends, each other’s most trusted confidant, and they claim to be platonic, until one day they realize they both want more. I would’ve also settle for RomCom fake hate scenario. Boy meets girl. They are mortal enemies (in the petty childish way), but secretly defend, admire, and care for one another. Eventually, the grow to see that hate is really love. Now, I know what you are wondering, and the answer is yes, I did watch too much TV as a child.
But the point I was making is that my younger self was obsessed with these scenarios. So I would bend over backwards to try and get my crushes to align with my scenario. I would highlight anything that supported my dream, and completely ignore all the things that didn’t. I was an absolute sucker for potential. In the movies, the main character has her choice taken away. Her unknown love letters were released to the people she wrote them for. I was more direct than her (and unfortunately have no one to blame, but myself). I released my own letters, notes, words. Basically, I would hold the crush until I couldn’t anymore, then I would find someway to let them know. I would get butterflies in my stomach. Hoping and praying this time would be the time they liked me back. This time would be different. I also convinced myself, that girls like me aren’t pursued. If I wanted someone I had to force them to see that I am worth dating. That I am worth the complications of dating someone who looks like me (I don’t think this way anymore).
Sad. Truthfully, it’s hard to even think about. I was so sure that I had to do everything I could to make myself likable. I often lost myself in that pursuit. At times I lost things I could never get back and I gained things I never wanted. Things that have changed me forever. But even through all of this, I kept up my pursuit. I didn’t realize it until later, but this pursuit followed me into college. I was finally in a situation that checked all the boxes for everything I had every wanted. By all indications we were in the early stages of the RomCom Best friend scenario, but life doesn’t work that way (at least not my life.).
This scenario, the one I had dreamed of, sought after, and prayed for blew up in my face. It did not go the way it did in the movies. In fact, it went the complete opposite. I walked away from that situation angry. That was the last straw. The cherry on top of a lifetime of hurt from men (in all aspects of my life not just romantic). Enough was enough. How much could one girl be expected to take? Watching that first movie, seeing the main character get the responses I’ve always wanted….it burned me. But I couldn’t stop watching it. I watch the movie over and over again. Those moments those feelings, I wanted them. I was angry because I didn’t get them. Angry, because all I had gotten was pain. But I couldn’t stop watching because it was the closest I could get to feeling those things for myself ( I thought).
Watching the main character receive the loving response I’ve always wanted. Watching her unrequited love transform to requited. It made me bitter. For the first time in my life, I was sincerely bitter. I couldn’t even look at a man without feeling rage. I was in this period of hatred for six months. Six months of wishing I was Medusa, so I could turn every man I saw to stone.
Well, after months of dodging questions regarding my love life with my therapist, one day she asked the right question (don’t you hate it when people are good at their job *eyeroll*). She asked me if a relationship was something I wanted, not just right now, but did I ever want to be in a relationship. I did. I hated to admit it, but I did. Even with all that anger I still desperately wanted to love and be loved romantically. So I began to put in the work, trying to let the rage go. Free myself from all the shame I felt. I hadn’t realized it but a lot of my rage was also because I hated myself for getting hurt. For putting myself in positions to be hurt. If I’m too angry to date, or even entertain anyone I can’t get hurt again.
After my realization, I (with the help of my therapist) worked very hard to begin to deal with my relationship trauma and my rage. Now, I won’t lie healing is a long road. And truthfully, sometimes it rushes back without warning. But I have learned that though, my feelings are valid, I don’t want them to control me. I especially don’t want to be a hindrance to myself. If I want love, I have to be open to it. I have to be ready for it. Meaning I can’t blame every new person for the mistakes of the old people.
I thought I was watching To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before so much, because I thought I would never receive the love I dreamed about. I was wrong. I was really watching the movie, because a small part of me had hope. The movie was a reminder to myself that love comes to all of us in unexpected ways.
So when I turned on the TV to watch To All the Boys: P.S. I Still Love You, I was excited. Despite, my lack of Valentine or relationship, it was a symbol. The movie made me feel good. I watched as the main character navigated her complex feelings for two people. Her interactions helped me: it reminded me to grant myself grace. I am allowed to both love love and be sad that I don’t have it. I can watch these movies and feel the sting of loneliness and the spark of hope. Valentine’s Day can be a hard time for many different reasons. But try to be kind to yourself.
You are allowed to feel many different things at once. In fact, you’re even allowed to feel conflicting things. Much like the main character of the movies, at first I tried to stifle my feelings for fear of backsliding to my old habits. But I’ve decided that what I know now, has grown me. I am now comfortable admitting that not only do I want to be loved, but I deserve to be loved. And so do you. I pray that whether you are married, in relationship, or hopelessly single (me lol), that you read this and be reminded of your journey. Valentine’s Day is a day of celebrating the love in our lives. But I believe that we should include celebrating the ways we’ve grown in our perspective and relationship with love itself.
I may not have a Valentine, but I was open to it. That may not seem like much to you, but it is very important to me and my journey. So, if you don’t have a Valentine this year I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on how your perspective of love has changed. Be kind to yourself. Grant yourself the same grace you grant others. Remember, just because love isn’t here right now, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it.
What are some of the ways your perspective on love has changed?
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Hebrews 11:1 KJV
Faith. Have faith. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me to “have faith” I would be rich. I am currently in one of the longest waiting periods of my young life (Fun fact: It sucks). Truthfully, part of my reasoning for not posting more is that I often feel bitter. How could I write without coming across angry and depressed? Well, I’ve decided to write anyway. To write because there may be someone else out there who is experiencing something similar, but can’t put it into words.
Today, I am writing to you about my struggle with my faith. I have been saved since I was eleven years old. The Lord called me out of my brokenness and depression. Christians often refer to Christ as our Savior, because he died on the cross to save our lives. Well, he is and he did. But he also, literally saved my life. Had it not been for God I would not be alive today. More than once in my life I have been brought low enough to give up on life itself, But God always kept me (cliche, but true).
For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God
Ephesians 2:8 ESV
In spite, of these phenomenal moments of intimacy. In spite, of all the stories I could recount of God’s awesome wonder, in my life and the lives of those around me. In the midst of this my waiting period, I find myself questioning God (wild..). Questioning God. Thee God. The true and living God. I mean really it is a bold action. But I am not the first. Moses questioned God at the burning bush. The disciples questioned Jesus regularly about his actions. Honestly, I believe the Lord welcomes are questions, because it is a form of communication. In order to question someone you must speak to them. So yes, I question God.
Lord, why have you forgotten me?
Jesus, why do I watch my peers flourish and I am stagnant?
Why am I left behind?
Lord, are you listening?
Lord, are you listening?
Lord, are you listening?
Be Still.
The Lord spoke, “Have you ever seen the righteous forsaken?”
“No. Lord, I know, but…”
Be Still.
“Do you believe you are the first righteous person in creation that I would forsake?”
“No, but what if I’m not….”
Be Still.
“Throughout your life, through every trial, every heartache, every battle, have I forsaken you?”
“No. Lord it’s just been so long. When wi….”
Be Still.
“Be still and know that I am God. I have always kept you. I have always been with you. I am with you now. I am with you always. Have faith. Have faith in me. Trust me, not just for what I have done or will do. Trust me because of who I am. Have faith, because of who I am to you. Or have you forgotten who I am? Who am I to you?”
“No. I haven’t forgotten Lord. I’m sorry. It’s been hard….”
Be Still.
“I know. But remember… I am with you always…”
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord , plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11
Yellow mustard seeds in wooden spoon on old wooden table.
He said to them, “[]For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”
Antoni's World 